existentialism -- Shit happens
Stoicism -- Shit happens, so buck up sissy pants!
Epicureanism -- Shit happens, so what? It doesn't matter
Platonism -- Shit is but the corrupted shadow of Idea
NeoPlatonism -- Idea is real, shit is not
Theosophy -- God is real, shit is not
Atheism -- Shit is real, God is not
Agnosticism -- I have no idea why shit happens.
Jesus -- Shit happens because we are selfish.
Buddha -- Shit happens because we desire it.
Ayn Randism -- Shit happens because of dependent weakling leeches who have no right to live.
capitalism -- If I make more profit, then there's less chance shit will happen to me.
communism -- Do what the Party tells you, and shit won't happen to you.
socialism -- We can get through this shit if we all pull together.
classical liberalism -- Everyone should be free to do their own shit.
contemporary liberalism -- Shit wouldn't happen if we had better education and health care.
conservatism -- Things were so much better before this shit happened.
Burkean conservatism -- After generations of historical inheritance, our shit stinks like incense.
libertarianism -- Leave my shit alone!
armed libertarianism -- I'll only tell you once, stay the fuck away from my shit!
utilitarianism -- This shit is useless.
aestheticism -- This shit is ugly.
determinism -- This shit is bound to happen.
pacifism -- Fine, go ahead and start a fight, but don't come crying to me when shit happens.
survivalism -- If I can survive this shit, then I win!
criminality -- Do shit to others before they do shit to you.
Judaism -- Why does shit always happen to us? Why can't God pick on somebody else?
Christianity -- Love your shitty neighbor with all your shitty heart because God loves you, you shitty bastard!
Buddhism -- Leave that shit behind and follow the Noble Eightfold Path.
Hinduism -- You deserve the shit you get in this life because of the shit you did in your past life.
ancient religion -- Shit happens because the gods are angry.
Confucianism -- If we all do our duty to those above and below us, to our families, to our ancestors and to Heaven, shit won't happen.
Taoism -- Shit happens when you try to stick a name on the Tao.
Deconstructivism -- What exactly is the strategy behind words like "shit" and "happens?"
Postmodernism -- Shit doesn't just happen to privileged white males.
Fox News -- Why does shit always happen to privileged white males?
scientism -- Shit is just another stage in evolution.
German idealism -- Shit is a stage in the over-arching rational process of Idea becoming form.
Marxism -- Shit is a necessary stage in the inevitable realization of the proletarian state.
pragmatism -- But will this shit work?
empiricism -- And what kind of experience do we have with this shit?
nationalism -- Shit happens when you're not true to your tribe.
anarchism -- Fuck this shit!
imperialism -- Conquer and colonize that shit!
racism -- Shit is the fault of other races.
antisemitism -- Shit is a Jewish conspiracy.
tea-baggers -- Shit is Obama's fault.
homophobia -- Shit is the gays' fault.
misogyny -- Shit is women's fault.
Irish Catholicism -- Shit is all my fault.
Roman Catholicism -- You can get through this shit if you pray, pay, and obey Holy Mother Church.
Episcopalianism -- We're too nice for this shit.
Calvinism -- Shit happens because people are evil and God hates them all except for the Elect.
Lutheranism -- I'm full of shit, but I am saved by my faith.
Methodism -- Shit happens, but I feel my heart strangely warmed.
Creationism -- Shit happens because some woman riding a dinosaur named Eve picked an apple 5000 years ago.
Christian Fundamentalism -- Shit happens because the Bible says so.
Prosperity Gospel -- Shit won't happen to me because Jesus is my winning lottery ticket!
Islam -- It is revealed in the Holy Quran that shit happens.
Islam (Al Quaeda version) -- ... and when shit happens to us, we will kill the infidels.
Islamic State -- Even if shit never happens, we will kill and eat everyone who isn't us.
the Mafia -- We can't be responsible for the shit that will happen if we don't get paid.
religious fanatics -- We can't be responsible for the shit that will happen if you don't submit to the Moloch that we call god.
apocalyptic religious fanatics -- We hope and pray that the worst possible shit will happen so that we can be revenged on all of our enemies and vindicated by our Moloch that we call god.
white supremacists -- Shit is the fault of black people.black nationalists -- Shit is the fault of white people.
misanthropes -- Shit is everybody's damn fault.
cynics -- There's a little shit in everything.
nihilists -- There's nothing but shit everywhere.
solipsists -- Shit has nothing to do with me.
skeptics -- You're just shittin' me.
Dr. Pangloss -- What shit? Where? It's all beautiful, man!
18th Century Philosophes -- Shit happens because people are unreasonable.
ideologues -- Shit happens because people stray from the agenda.
legalism -- Shit happens because you broke the law.
fatalism -- Shit is inevitable.
moralism -- Shit happens because you deserve it.
authoritarianism -- Shit happens because you stepped out of line and didn't follow instructions.
you -- Shit happens because ______________.