Monday, September 8, 2008

In All Fairness ...

The following is making the rounds of the InterTubes, and I think I will help it along here. It comes from Dah-veed of Mexico by way of Franiam:

If you’re a minority and you’re selected for a job over more qualified candidates you’re a “token hire.”

If you’re a conservative and you’re selected for a job over more qualified candidates you’re a “game changer.”


If you live in an Urban area and you get a girl pregnant you’re a “baby daddy.”

If you’re the same in Alaska you’re a “teen father.” (Actually, according to your own MySpace page you’re an F’n redneck that don’t want any kids, but that’s too long a phrase for the evil liberal media to take out of context and flog morning noon and night).


Black teen pregnancies? A “crisis” in black America.

White teen pregnancies? A “blessed event.”


If you grow up in Hawaii you’re “exotic.”

Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you’re the quintessential “American story.”


Similarly, if you name you kid Barack you’re “unpatriotic.”

Name your kid Track, you’re “colorful.”


If you’re a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fulling vetting the individual you’re “reckless.”

A Republican who doesn’t fully vet is a “maverick.”


If you say that for the “first time in my adult lifetime I’m really proud of my country” it makes you “unfit” to be First Lady.

If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession that makes you “First Dude.”


A DUI from twenty years ago is “old news.”

A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is “relevant information.”


If you’re a man and you decide to run for office despite your wife’s reoccurrence of cancer you’re a “questionable spouse.”

If you’re a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn with Downs Syndrome… Well, we don’t know what that is ‘cause THAT’S NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK!


If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you’re a “phoney.”

Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you’re “well loved.”


If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to “get to know you.”

If you’re white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you’re “one of us.”


If you give your wife a dap on stage, it’s actually a “terrorist fist jab.”

If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child’s hair on national TV it’s an “adorable moment.” (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).


If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, you’re an “extremist.”

If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, you’re a “fundamentalist.”


If you’re a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, you’re “uppity.”

If you’re a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more school over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).


If you’re 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant “life happens.”

If you’re 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you’re a “registered sex offender.”


If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of “Change,” it’s just “empty rhetoric.”

If one week before your party’s national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about “Change,” that’s “red meat.”


And lastly:

If you are a Democrat, an Independent, or even a moderate Republican, if you’re female, male, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, bi-racial, multi-ethnic, or GLBT, if you’re a Jew, Gentile, Muslim, agnostic or atheist - “Yes, we can!”

If you’re a pitbull with lipstick from Alaska, “Yup, yup!”


Fran said...

It is astounding, isn't it?

Today things feel harder, but maybe it is just today.

And hey- I start school today... for the first time in (gulp) 29 years as I begin the first step in a masters program.

I gratefully accept any good thought or wish you might have for me. And I am being a foolish old woman too, as I am only taking one class!

Leonard said...

Surely Karl Rove didn't reinvent this religious fear/hate game again? How many will buy into it? How many will look the other way for votes? How many think the greater good/greed is necessary no matter how many brothers and sisters are demoralized/excluded and marginalized at home or butchered in war abroad?

These are very sick religious extremists we're viewing here and NOW!

Counterlight said...

Your professors will love you. Professors love older students. After spending many years trying to explain Cezanne to 19 year olds, I know I do. As you go through that grad school first semester initiation rite that separates the wheat from the chaff, just remember that age and cunning will always win out over youth and strength.

What are you studying for that MA? Any plans to do a thesis?

Davis said...

Americans don't want the Truth - it's too hard. Lie to us is the mantra...

John D Bassett said...

OK, it's awful. But Democrats have got to stop whining and responding. We need to do more. And, as Christians, we should know what will work. We need to tell a story.

No, we don't need to make up any rumors about McCain. And there is enough stuff about Palin already. We need to create a narrative here.

For example, we know that McCain is impulsive, unreflective, and has a famous temper. The Republicans have incorporated all of this into a story about "The Maverick" a lovable curmudgeon. We need to incorporate McCain anecdotes into a story about "The Lunatic". We need to retell the story of john McCain, showing how he has responded irrationally in crises throughout his life, and making it clear that he will respond irrationally and without any reflection in the future. We have to tell a story about a dangerous man so that people will understand that he is guaranteed to do something stupid and hostile which will damage the United States and its allies. All the facts are there; what is missing is a simple narrative which drives home a damning interpretation of this man.

Story is intensely powerful. Republicans have been good at telling stories. Democrats have issued policy statements and white papers. We have to tell our story. And it is not only a hopeful narrative of change, but also a profoundly frightening story of what happens if we do not change.